Today I ate: a banana with peanut butter, some biscuits, a regular size fries from NY Fries, a mini Cinnabon, an apple, and a gigantic slice of cheese pizza. It feels like a lot more than that. I know that our culture body shames like there’s no tomorrow, I know so much better than to absorb all that shaming, I know better than to hate my body,  but I don’t know how to undo years of cultural damage.  Other than going to the gym and becoming skinny and fitting into what society deems is okay for me to love. Exercising is beneficial beyond external changes, that I understand and that makes me want to partake in physical exercise, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting- well, is there? Judging from the world we live in, is any desire to see physical change always an example of self-shaming? Am I brainwashed into thinking I want a washboard stomach? Well yes, I am, but is there any other reason I can want to change my body that isn’t serving the greater self-hatred sphere? There’s something to be said for exercising discipline over ourselves, through physical means. There’s something to be said for the great challenge of it all. There’s something to be said for mastery of oneself. But my desire to be thin trumps all desire for genuine self-improvement. I want to shrink.

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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