An Adele song plays that I love, that I haven’t heard in ages. I can hear music again. A wellness coach I follow encourages occasional “consumption fasting” in order to get out of self-numbing patterns (not automatically watching shows or listening to music, podcasts all the time), and she said that one thing clients said was a result was seeing colors brighter. We are so capable of escapism that we dim the colors we see. I haven’t fully succeeded in a consumption fast but am intentionally watching and listening to less and I’m noticing that music sounds different to me. Or rather, I’m hearing it again for the first time. I took a break from music for… a few weeks? I didn’t document it, but it was a notable break.
I always regret not documenting things. I love documentation. I love living. How did I forget?
I’ve really woken up this week. Yes, document this, it’s important. I walked home from the gym with my coach and he was consoling me over my struggle to make ends meet and have the resources I want, and he said my success was inevitable as I work hard, try new things, and am responsible. I said I believe this and he said that it didn’t sound like I believed it but rather hoped that I believed it, which was completely true. It was a relief to hear because I knew something was off and that I was dragging my feet along with this whole hope thing, and also disappointing because I’ve been working so much on changing the way I think. I’ve worked to reject pessimism, and I have had a lot of success, but something at the core still hasn’t budged. I spent the weekend in a strange state. Not quite wallowing, not quite acceptance, but an odd mix of both. Ultimately, however, something clicked. Or fell away. I started writing, I made content for my online store, I worked on the store, I decided life was good enough now to live and do the things I wanted. We had also talked about how we often have more than we realize, moneywise, and although there’s much more that I want, I really do have what I need. I can gripe about a lot of things, and yes there’s frustrations, but so what? The delusional gratitude is really what provides riches. Because it’s not delusional. Life is really that good. We get distracted.
The path of binding your soul to God isn’t for the faint or heart, or rational, or sane. It’s a separate thing. A lunatic path to Heaven. A complete rejection of the material world. No, but a different seeing. Why not focus on what’s good? Because you won’t relate to most people and will be seen as insane. Fine, but what’s the worth of most people, or sanity? They do keep you miserable. There are areas however where sanity is important. The material world does require care. Take care of your body, your bank account, etc. The focusing in on what’s good must allow you to handle your various matters with ease. That’s where they mix. Delusion and the table, the real world.
Delusion and the table. Delusion isn’t a good word. Selective reality. Making a sandwich. You’re not going to put everything available in the sandwich. Take what you want.
Okay, enough on that.
I started the year doing 1000 words a day. Maybe I can at least finish the year doing that. A fair task. I miss research. Quality writing. Oooph. Why stop doing what we love? It’s easy to forget who you are and how easy it is to really be happy. Everyone is so scared of the word happy. It’s terrifying how perfect life is. Absolutely terrifying. It bothers me. Life is so perfect – what more do I want? Lots, of course, but at the same time… it’s perfect. Romanticize your life now. Enjoy your life now. It’s weird how perfect the imagination is. There are dangers to living fully in your mind but there’s a different way where you just fill your life with joy, and it doesn’t matter where it’s coming from. The imagination is just a different room of life. Why not live there too? Use your whole house?
Houses, sandwiches, so many normative little comparisons. I’m baffled by how simple this all is. What are these experiences, when we feel we’ve woken up from a dream? Another layer of illusion peeled off. That’s all. It feels so… Everything feels so joyous… so strange and wondrous and possible. How does everything feel so possible suddenly? What is this door within me that’s opened? I’m not entirely sure. Will keep exploring. Well part of it is not denying despair. It was a relief to really admit that I didn’t believe that things would get better. And suddenly, everything got better.
Honesty within oneself is essential. The relationship with yourself and with God, this is the only thing that matters. The only thing. Everything comes from this. I spent a few weeks without God and it was awful. I blocked him out. How? I guess some kind of emotional denial. Give all your hopeless wretched weariness to the Lord and watch it all unfold. That’s the truth of things. Is this the giving your heart to God that people talk about? Did I do it, if only momentarily? At church someone said something about holding on tighter to Christ and in doing so letting go of the world. It was a bit more poignant than that but struck a chord. The only real thing. Why not commit fully to that? And watch blessings fall all around you. God wants to bless us. We push back. Sad puppies not wanting to come out. It is that simple, sometimes, somedays.
Almost at a 1000 words. A simple accomplishment. I still can’t quite articulate this feeling. The click. The spinning into place, a top, I found the right hand motion, the right flick of the wrist.
Each Day Is A Journey 